Three Month Birthday

My sweet baby,

Your first three months of life have not been the easiest on you or your mama. I’ve been close to a minor mental breakdown on more occasions than I can count, but never think, sweet boy, that it was ever your fault. If I could just stand in your place and take the pain for you…I wish God would let me.

Having to stand there helpless while you are hurting feels like my chest is being cleaved open and my heart torn out. I know eventually we’ll find a solution for you or you will grow out of this phase.

There are moments when you look at me so adoringly and smile a big toothless grin. In those moments the clouds part and I can close my eyes and literally feel the warmth on the sun shining down on me. Your smile can soothe any wound in my heart.

Despite all of your tummy troubles this past month, you’re still thriving and eagerly taking in this new world. You love blowing bubbles with your mouth and razzing, which is the cutest damned thing in the world if I do say so myself.

Sometimes we’ll be driving somewhere and I can hear you blowing raspberries. It always makes me laugh.

You absolutely adore the monkey on your bouncy seat, sometimes I wonder which of us you like better: me or that monkey- ha, ha just kidding. You’re so much more vocal, you love to talk (not much of the grunting anymore) and we have daily conversations over diaper changes.

Daddy and I try to take you for a nightly walk now since it seems to keep you from crying and diverts your attention. I notice you paying special attention to trees.

Your favorite time of the day is bath time. There is something about the sink in the kitchen that is pure magic for you.

You’ve baptized me several times over by this point. About the third week home from the hospital I was changing your diaper and admiring your cute little butt. Just as I went in to kiss a cheek, you farted right in my face. I could help but laugh at your perfect timing.

Then the other day I was holding you after a feeding and talking to you, you let out this monster belch that sprayed formula all over my face.

Apparently you have a sense of humor :o) One of the many qualities that I look forward to learning more about, little man. Who you’re becoming…always know that whoever that may be that I will love you and protect you in every way I can.

Love always,

Mommy

The bean is 1/4 of a year old!

As promised, a couple shots from Charlie's 3 month birthday:

Lessons in patience...

Today Charlie would only eat an ounce at each feeding. Then tonight Joe and I were able to coax him into taking a whopping three ounces after dinner and we were so happy to get just a little more in his belly.

Well all of ten minutes later Charlie was crying (as he often does in the evening) and apparently that was enough to make his stomach want to empty its contents completely.

Back to square one, it can be so defeating at times. His last two meals, sticking to his onesie, not where they should be. He was so incredibly upset (rightly so) because it came out of his nose and I'm sure that burned and hurt even more. We plopped him right into the bath and within minutes he was smiling with those beautiful blue twinkling eyes. Mama was not in the same frame of mind, it's harder for me to recover.

He's sleeping peacefully right next to me now. It's quiet times like this that I will look at him and am in total awe of his beauty, it catches me in my lungs (if that even makes sense). He is the air that I breath. I pray that we can find a way to help him feel better...and soon.

Reflux is the devil

Just when things seemed to be getting better, we took a turn for the worse. Poor Charlie began regressing last week and over the weekend we were back to hours of crying and feedings of an ounce-yes that's one ounce for my three month old baby (who should be taking 5-6ozs per feeding). He refused to eat, it's obvious he is in pain. Because he isn't eating enough during the day we're now getting up in the middle of the night too- woohoo!

I hate this, I feel helpless(nearly always), hopeless (at times) and clueless (often). Helpless when my baby is crying and nothing I try to do can help make it better. Clueless because as a new mom I feel a bit lost. I can't even focus on stimulating and helping Charlie develop more when he doesn't feel well. It feels as though every time we take a step forward in this process, that we ultimately end up taking two steps back. We are on a reflux rollercoaster, one day can be amazing and the next nightmarish. Somebody get me off this damned ride!

Tomorrow we are going to have an ultrasound to rule out pyloric stenosis and any other possible abnormalities. I'm praying everything comes back normal because I might have a minor mental breakdown if someone has to actually cut into my child.

This has not been easy on the marriage either. Joe and I have been short with each other, barking back and forth-blame it on the frazzled nerves. That, coupled with the hormone fog I'm wading through right now (thank you Aunt Flo), is adding fuel to the fire.

Despite all of this we had a couple of moments of bliss today where I was able to capture a few shots of my little bean and document his 3 month birthday. I'll have to post them tomorrow because now I need some sleep and a little time to remind myself of the blessings in my life...

3 months old

Our first try with the bumbo...

Charlie was not so sure about it, but he
let me entertain myself for a few minutes!

A crazy busy week...

You ever have a week that by the time you get to Friday you can barely remember what happened to you on Monday? That has been my week.

I'll run through the things I can remember ha, ha. Monday I was still recovering from the baptism and just ran out of the house to get groceries. Charlie did great until the evening when he had another bout of crying for hours.

Tuesday we had a Mom group through my pediatrician's office and I ended up getting Charlie weighed because he had not been eating well and was getting fussier. He did gain weight but still is small for his age so my pedi and GI doc wanted us to increase the dosage for Charlie's meds yet again.

Wednesday was an adventure. Charlie and I took our first trip to Long Island alone to visit my sister. It was wonderful, but the time flew by too fast. My stomach was in semi-knots from the three + hours of driving on my own but Charlie was a dream baby and slept through most of the trips. Of course we made up for it by the time we got home and he gave me his evening tears.

Thursday was hot, hot, hot! Went for a walk at the beach with some local mommies and ended up chatting for hours and having lunch together.

And finally today we had another mom group get together (my saving grace and an open therapy session!) Spoke to the docs yet again as the bean has been-err-vomiting more the past few days and started to make me worry. So now we are adding oatmeal cereal to his formula to try and keep it down where it belongs-in his tummy.

A recap of what Charlie gets at feeding times: super expensive liquid gold formula, prune juice to prevent constipation from super expensive formula, oatmeal cereal to keep down formula, prevacid and pepcid. I think we're seeing an improvement, which is awesome- because I'm not sure if I could juggle another addition in the current rotation!

11 weeks 4 days

A beautiful day.

Little Bean,

Today was a big day for you, little man. You were baptized. Mommy spent most of the morning sick to her stomach worried that you were going to wail through the whole church service, but you were a little angel. You cried only when pastor took you from my arms and gently poured the water over your head. But then you settled in and-oh.my.word.-actually fell asleep. I was so happy to see you peaceful that I just decided to hold you in my arms for the whole service, rather than put you in the car seat. Actually, I was too chicken to put you down because you were being sooo good!

We had a fantastic brunch- at this beautiful Italian restaurant on a local golf course- with all your cousins, three fairy godmothers (as I fondly call them), Mima and the rest of your family. The food was fantastic and your cake was delish too-sorry you couldn't enjoy little bean, we'll have to make for lost time when you sprout some teeth! Everything was so relaxed at the restaurant and the weather was gorgeous, so everyone could enjoy the deck and the pretty view.

Then we had everyone over at the house, we baked cookies and cupcakes with the cousins, played in the garden, picked bouquets of hydrangeas, watched tv and just had a great time together. We also made a stop over to Grandma and Grandpas.

Daddy and I both felt so blessed to have family celebrate this special day with you. It couldn't have been more perfect.

10 weeks 6 days old

Kudos to 'the other half'

Thank God for my husband. I am now weathering a lovely cold while trying to prep for Charlie's baptism this weekend and juggle my fussy, colicky, pouty baby. Joe seemed to have read between the lines and heard the desperation in my voice because he took off Thursday and Friday to help me. Insert sigh here.

Frankly I have no idea how single parents to do this- single parenting that is. They are a higher caliber human being to which I am in awe of...

Charlie decided he didn't want to eat this morning. He had been eating less and less over the past few days so that, along with his constant crying from the reflux, prompted me to call the specialist and pediatrician this morning.

We are now on a cocktail of pepcid and prevacid, neocate and prune juice. I sure hope this helps my little boy. Fingers crossed that Charlie will be in a good mood for his baptism and party...

Our second month

Charlie,

Your second month here with Daddy and I has been quite a memorable one. We had some big "firsts" that I won't soon forget. You gave us your first big smile (Daddy first, then me) and coos, they were absolutely amazing. It was as though one day you just woke up and decided that you were going to try and teach us your language.


You giggle now too and I savor those moments, because your poor sensitive tummy has been giving you a lot of troubles lately. We're hoping that the medicine and new formula will help you feel better soon and get the reflux under control. There have been days were you cried all day long and then I cried along with you. Not being able to do anything to soothe you (and feeling awful for you because of that) makes a mommy feel quite inadequate at times. I'm hoping and praying that we may be turning a corner.

Anyways, back to happier things. Your neck has become so much stronger and you hold that adorable head of yours taller so you can see more of the world. You absolutely adore looking at all the paintings we have on our walls and the black and white photos of our family that we have in your nursery. For the time being you seem to prefer those paintings (because at times I catch you smiling at them), but don't worry I won't tell the family ;o)

You grunt a lot! And you've started to suck on your fist and make the funniest slurping noises when you do.

Last weekend you had your first boat trip and you did so great. I think the gentle rocking helped you get a nice restful nap. We had to come back not because of you, but because we ran out of formula!

Back to those coos, when you get excited as we're having a conversation your breathing quickens and you sound like a little puppy. The other day I had you resting on my legs so we could have one of our 'talks', and something hilarious happened. I blew a raspberry and you were completely amazed. Your eyes nearly popped out of your head. I blew you another and another and you were enthralled. There I sat in our living room laughing like a fool while you tried to figure out how my lips could do that.

Well, my little bean, I almost feel as though you're growing too fast. Despite the fact that you are a whopping (ha- insert sarcasm) 10 lbs 10 oz, there are a bunch of clothes that you already are too big for. I feel as though I need to snap more pictures and capture more video of your little self.

It's crazy because time takes on a new meaning once you become a parent- you won't know this for a long time little man. In some ways there is no meaning; minutes can stretch out into an eternity and weeks can breeze by in the blink of an eye. I'm going to savor as much as I can.

Love Always,
Mommy

Looking forward to the bright side

So another tough week- Took Charlie to the gastroenterologist (went well and yesterday to the pediatrician for his 2 month checkup. Watching helplessly as my baby was given his vaccinations was awful-I started crying before they even pricked his little chunky leg.

He went from this blissful state of peace (that I so rarely see) to complete and utter shock and then he turned a nice shade of tomato. The doctor had to shake him to get him to breath-good times. His cry was one of those cries were no noise comes out, but his mouth is wide open and his eyes welling up, tell you everything. Wow, I had no idea how difficult it would be- perhaps I'm still hormonal.

In any event, my little boy is still not a happy camper, crying most of the day. BUT-dare I say-he does sleep well at night. I have total fear for actually reporting that, because at this point I'm so hypersensitive and superstititous that should I actually vocalize that point, he may regress in that department as well.

Gotta run for now, the baby is crying!

A rough week...

This past week has been a difficult one for the following reasons:

-My baby has been in pain. Charlie had a really tough week. He was crying all day long, not eating well and not sleeping well either- poor little guy. We were able to determine that he has reflux. My pediatrician put us on an emergency list to see a gastroenterologist ASAP. We had to switch Charlie's formula yet again.

Now we are on Neocate, which costs about $37 per can of powder for about a three day supply. My craptastic insurance will not cover the cost of this prescription formula, nor will it cover Charlie's prevacid to help with his reflux. It will take two weeks for the meds and formula to give Charlie relief, I just wish I could make it all better now.

-I've been mourning the 'loss' of breastfeeding and drying up has made it all so final. I went to a New Mom group organized by my doctor's office and, though the women were lovely, all they talked about was breastfeeding. Not to mention, nearly all of them fed their baby during the session. Just watching them hurt my heart. I couldn't even speak about my story.

One of the women pulled me aside and asked how breastfeeding was going for me and I told her I had to wean. She said she envied me, mentioned how much pressure and guilt there is if you choose not to do it. I wasn't sure how to respond because I fought so hard to try and make it work...Needless to say I left the group feeling very lonely and in a woe-is-me state of mind. Thank God I have loving, supportive family and friends to help me dig out of the hole.

-I had a dermatological procedure (Fraxel laser) on Wednesday morning. Thursday I woke up, looked in the mirror and could not believe my eyes. The reaction I had to the treatment can only be described as severely adverse. I have never broken out so badly in my life. I have not wanted to be seen in public, because strangers did double takes when they saw me. And that was with loads of makeup- or what I have termed spackel- on my face. I understand why people with acne can tend to be shy or introverted, I haven't wanted to leave the house.

Despite all of this I am trying to find joy in the fact that, though my baby isn't feeling well, he is overall healthy. In those moments he is feeling good, he laughs and smiles and that warms my heart a thousand times over.

2 months old

Another Mom moment

A few days back when Charlie was soundly sleeping I decided to run over to the Gap. I still don't fit in my summer clothes and wanted to see if I could find a few staples to get me through.

The baby section beckoned me, and, after 10 minutes I had an armful of clothes for Charlie. It took a lot of restraint to put back several of the pieces, but there was one I just could not resist (luckily from the sale rack).

So much for clothes for Mommy!

Good things come to those who wait...

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

My little bean gave me the best gift a new mommy could get: a big beaming smile. Yesterday afternoon we were having a little conversation, Charlie and I. He was cooing away and then all of a sudden he looked directly into my eyes and grinned.

It's true when 'they' say that nothing can prepare you for when your baby gives you that first beautiful smile. He beamed for me two more times and giggled. Totally melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I hope my little man grows into a Momma's boy, because I could live on just those smiles from here on out.

Ups and Downs

It's amazing to me how much one day can differ from the next. Charlie was a very unhappy baby yesterday for the.whole.day. Everything I tried wasn't working.

Today he is totally different baby. Yes, he fusses a bit, but nothing like the inconsolable little guy he was before.

My moods seem to follow that rhythm also. I knew that having a baby would be an incredibly emotional experience. What I didn't expect is that now, even almost 2 months after Charlie's arrival, that I would still feel raw, vulnerable and weepy at times.

Maybe it's the breastfeeding battle and the fact that I have consciously chosen to give up; let go. But I still haven't completely let go. I'm pumping 3 to 4 times a day and freezing as much milk as I can. I was supposed to stop yesterday but couldn't. Now the deadline has be extended yet again to next week. I know this needs to end somehow, but I'm still obviously not ready for it to be now.

Light at the end of the tunnel

It's amazing how much lighter you can feel when you make a choice to move on and follow through. I am still pumping, but now only 3-4 times a day. That simple change has freed me up to enjoy Charlie and actually accomplish some things around and outside of the house.

I feel like a huge heavy weight has been lifted off my chest. Sure I still get blue when I think of what could have been, but I'm definitely making progress.

I've decided to split the milk that I am pumping into a several small daily feedings for Charlie (supplemented with his formula). I'm also freezing the rest into small portions so I can still provide him with some "immunity boost" as far as three months down the road, should I want to space it out that long.

I'll keep at it until I dry up, and then I am going to have a party and eat every single item that was on my list of forbidden foods- from steak to cheeseburgers to chocolate cake, god the possibilities are endless... You'll all know what I will be fantasizing about for the next few weeks!

Mourning What Couldn't Be

Yesterday was a rough day. Charlie cried most of the day, it could have been the thrush but I suspect there was something in the takeout Joe brought home that upset him. Of course, the first meal I enjoy in months happens to make my baby colicky and fussy for hours.

This past week I've been coming to grips with the fact that breastfeeding is not working for me and Charlie. He takes to the formula better than my milk and he will only take a bottle, two blows that hurt more than I'd like to admit. Rejection from your own flesh and blood cuts a special type of wound into the heart.

It's heart wrenching when the dream you had can't be realized no matter how hard you try. Until recently I couldn't let go because it wanted to make it work so badly. I haven't been able to enjoy Charlie because my focus has been so intense.

I cried to Joe about how unfair it is. I can see how to someone looking from the outside in that this would seem almost ridiculous and the solution clear and easy. I know I'm being irrational and hormonal, but I can't help myself. I've wanted this to work out so desperately.

My husband, always supportive, reminded me that I have successfully breastfeed for nearly six weeks and that is a huge accomplishment in itself. All the money, effort and pain I have endured has not been in vain. I know I have had a rough path when the La Leche League Leader and lactation consultants have offered support for my grieving and point out that many would have given up weeks before.

I think back to when we were able to breastfeed and the closeness I felt with my son was so beautiful; to lose that is rough. I have never tried so hard in my life to make something work. I know I need to just pick up, let go and trudge forward. I have a beautiful healthy son and I’m incredibly blessed. Joe made a point the other night that resonated in my mind. He said Charlie is only going to be this small once and he didn't want me to miss out or not enjoy it to the fullest. So I've made the decision to wean (slowly). Letting go is the hardest thing to do!

Buzzzzzzz...

Short post, because I have a high maintenance, colicky child today...Whoever invented the bouncy seat needs to be awarded a medal of honor. At times (not every time) it casts a spell over Charlie, soothing the beast...Let's just say the word "vibrate" has taken on a whole new meaning, ha!

Purple boob monster

This past week I have had to apply a treatment of gentian violet to Charlie and myself to try and shake this Thrush infection. For those unfamiliar with gentian violet, it is possibly the messiest medication/antiseptic on the planet. It stains everything it touches. Even worse, it is water soluble, so although it will dry, as soon as water touches it an awful dripping purple mess ensues (think saliva for Charlie and showers for me).

My poor son has had purple lips, tongue, mouth (and purple beauty marks from spitting out the meds) for seven days now. Not-so-cute for taking pictures and going out in public. I'm sure people think he got a hold of a purple marker when I wasn't looking and sucked it dry. Oh and my boobs look like something out of some space porn movie, I'm sure I would turn an alien on.

In addition to the permanent marker, err gentian violet treatment, I have added two more meds to my pill rotation- diflucan and acidophilus. That brings my daily pill quota to 25+ pills- woohoo- That almost counts as a fourth meal! This whole breastfeeding battle is seriously beginning to wear on me, but I'll save that for another day, another entry.

1 month 1 week 5 days

A letter to my son

I recently read about baby journaling in Dr. Sear’s Baby Book and thought it would be a great way for me to look back and remember how much Charlie has grown. Here is my first entry.

Charlie,

This first month with you has been a study in contrasts. While I have had quite a struggle (that continues) with breastfeeding, having you in my life makes everything sweeter and more beautiful. I always felt that your Daddy made my life more colorful and fun, so it’s of no surprise that when you came along that everything would become more precious.

I cried on the ride home from the hospital because we had made so many great friends at the hospital, but more so, because we arrived at the hospital a couple, but were leaving a family- all because of you.

I often watch you while you sleep, little one, and wonder what you’re dreaming of. I still can’t believe your were in my belly, maybe it’s because I thought you were a girl for so long –whoops! But my intuition must have told me something, because I gave away all those cute little girl onesies and a sweet polka dot cardigan sweater right before you came along.

I can’t tell you how much I love it when you wrap your tiny, strong hand around my finger. You also do this adorable toe curl every time I feed you where your big toes look they’re doing a “thumbs up.” You also let me know when you’re finished eating by giving me the most adorable pouty lower lip. I call it your locked and loaded position ;o)

Daddy calls you Houdini half of the time because, somehow, you find a way out of all your swaddling wraps and get your arms right back where you love them- near your face. Reminds me of my favorite ultrasound picture of you.

You love bath time. Mom and Dad still haven’t gotten comfortable with the baby bath tub we bought, it’s enormous for you now, so we give you a sponge bath. I think your favorite part is having your hair washed.

You’re always looking around, bright eyed, discovering this new world. You started to smile in your sleep, but I’ve yet to see that toothless grin when you’re awake- can’t wait. The other irresistible thing you do in your sleep- suck your lower lip. You’re also quite vocal, always grunting.

And, oh, the stretches- you look like you’re prepping for a marathon!

Towards the end of this first month I’ve noticed your fingers and face start to fill out; you’ve got the beginnings of baby rolls on those long legs. I can’t wait to see who you’re going to become little man. You were worth every nauseous day, every bit of pain, a thousand times over. I can only hope you know how much you're loved.

Love, Mommy

Lord give me strength...

Friday | June 06, 2008

Lord give me strength...

Ok so I may be acting a bit dramatic (I know I'm a wus) but Joe just broke the news that he is going to have to go on a business trip next week to Philly. In addition to that he'll need to go to California in the next few weeks. I didn't realize this day was going to come along so quickly and frankly, I'm not mentally prepared.

I am not looking forward to temporarily losing my 'relief' at night, my husband to sleep beside and make me feel safe and just the company of another adult. This may be the end of my battle with breastfeeding and round the clock pumping quest. To be continued...