Thursday, July 31, 2008

Three Month Birthday

My sweet baby,

Your first three months of life have not been the easiest on you or your mama. I’ve been close to a minor mental breakdown on more occasions than I can count, but never think, sweet boy, that it was ever your fault. If I could just stand in your place and take the pain for you…I wish God would let me.

Having to stand there helpless while you are hurting feels like my chest is being cleaved open and my heart torn out. I know eventually we’ll find a solution for you or you will grow out of this phase.

There are moments when you look at me so adoringly and smile a big toothless grin. In those moments the clouds part and I can close my eyes and literally feel the warmth on the sun shining down on me. Your smile can soothe any wound in my heart.

Despite all of your tummy troubles this past month, you’re still thriving and eagerly taking in this new world. You love blowing bubbles with your mouth and razzing, which is the cutest damned thing in the world if I do say so myself.

Sometimes we’ll be driving somewhere and I can hear you blowing raspberries. It always makes me laugh.

You absolutely adore the monkey on your bouncy seat, sometimes I wonder which of us you like better: me or that monkey- ha, ha just kidding. You’re so much more vocal, you love to talk (not much of the grunting anymore) and we have daily conversations over diaper changes.

Daddy and I try to take you for a nightly walk now since it seems to keep you from crying and diverts your attention. I notice you paying special attention to trees.

Your favorite time of the day is bath time. There is something about the sink in the kitchen that is pure magic for you.

You’ve baptized me several times over by this point. About the third week home from the hospital I was changing your diaper and admiring your cute little butt. Just as I went in to kiss a cheek, you farted right in my face. I could help but laugh at your perfect timing.

Then the other day I was holding you after a feeding and talking to you, you let out this monster belch that sprayed formula all over my face.

Apparently you have a sense of humor :o) One of the many qualities that I look forward to learning more about, little man. Who you’re becoming…always know that whoever that may be that I will love you and protect you in every way I can.

Love always,


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The bean is 1/4 of a year old!

As promised, a couple shots from Charlie's 3 month birthday:

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Lessons in patience...

Today Charlie would only eat an ounce at each feeding. Then tonight Joe and I were able to coax him into taking a whopping three ounces after dinner and we were so happy to get just a little more in his belly.

Well all of ten minutes later Charlie was crying (as he often does in the evening) and apparently that was enough to make his stomach want to empty its contents completely.

Back to square one, it can be so defeating at times. His last two meals, sticking to his onesie, not where they should be. He was so incredibly upset (rightly so) because it came out of his nose and I'm sure that burned and hurt even more. We plopped him right into the bath and within minutes he was smiling with those beautiful blue twinkling eyes. Mama was not in the same frame of mind, it's harder for me to recover.

He's sleeping peacefully right next to me now. It's quiet times like this that I will look at him and am in total awe of his beauty, it catches me in my lungs (if that even makes sense). He is the air that I breath. I pray that we can find a way to help him feel better...and soon.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Reflux is the devil

Just when things seemed to be getting better, we took a turn for the worse. Poor Charlie began regressing last week and over the weekend we were back to hours of crying and feedings of an ounce-yes that's one ounce for my three month old baby (who should be taking 5-6ozs per feeding). He refused to eat, it's obvious he is in pain. Because he isn't eating enough during the day we're now getting up in the middle of the night too- woohoo!

I hate this, I feel helpless(nearly always), hopeless (at times) and clueless (often). Helpless when my baby is crying and nothing I try to do can help make it better. Clueless because as a new mom I feel a bit lost. I can't even focus on stimulating and helping Charlie develop more when he doesn't feel well. It feels as though every time we take a step forward in this process, that we ultimately end up taking two steps back. We are on a reflux rollercoaster, one day can be amazing and the next nightmarish. Somebody get me off this damned ride!

Tomorrow we are going to have an ultrasound to rule out pyloric stenosis and any other possible abnormalities. I'm praying everything comes back normal because I might have a minor mental breakdown if someone has to actually cut into my child.

This has not been easy on the marriage either. Joe and I have been short with each other, barking back and forth-blame it on the frazzled nerves. That, coupled with the hormone fog I'm wading through right now (thank you Aunt Flo), is adding fuel to the fire.

Despite all of this we had a couple of moments of bliss today where I was able to capture a few shots of my little bean and document his 3 month birthday. I'll have to post them tomorrow because now I need some sleep and a little time to remind myself of the blessings in my life...

3 months old

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Our first try with the bumbo...

Charlie was not so sure about it, but he
let me entertain myself for a few minutes!

Friday, July 18, 2008

A crazy busy week...

You ever have a week that by the time you get to Friday you can barely remember what happened to you on Monday? That has been my week.

I'll run through the things I can remember ha, ha. Monday I was still recovering from the baptism and just ran out of the house to get groceries. Charlie did great until the evening when he had another bout of crying for hours.

Tuesday we had a Mom group through my pediatrician's office and I ended up getting Charlie weighed because he had not been eating well and was getting fussier. He did gain weight but still is small for his age so my pedi and GI doc wanted us to increase the dosage for Charlie's meds yet again.

Wednesday was an adventure. Charlie and I took our first trip to Long Island alone to visit my sister. It was wonderful, but the time flew by too fast. My stomach was in semi-knots from the three + hours of driving on my own but Charlie was a dream baby and slept through most of the trips. Of course we made up for it by the time we got home and he gave me his evening tears.

Thursday was hot, hot, hot! Went for a walk at the beach with some local mommies and ended up chatting for hours and having lunch together.

And finally today we had another mom group get together (my saving grace and an open therapy session!) Spoke to the docs yet again as the bean has been-err-vomiting more the past few days and started to make me worry. So now we are adding oatmeal cereal to his formula to try and keep it down where it belongs-in his tummy.

A recap of what Charlie gets at feeding times: super expensive liquid gold formula, prune juice to prevent constipation from super expensive formula, oatmeal cereal to keep down formula, prevacid and pepcid. I think we're seeing an improvement, which is awesome- because I'm not sure if I could juggle another addition in the current rotation!

11 weeks 4 days

Sunday, July 13, 2008

A beautiful day.

Little Bean,

Today was a big day for you, little man. You were baptized. Mommy spent most of the morning sick to her stomach worried that you were going to wail through the whole church service, but you were a little angel. You cried only when pastor took you from my arms and gently poured the water over your head. But then you settled in fell asleep. I was so happy to see you peaceful that I just decided to hold you in my arms for the whole service, rather than put you in the car seat. Actually, I was too chicken to put you down because you were being sooo good!

We had a fantastic brunch- at this beautiful Italian restaurant on a local golf course- with all your cousins, three fairy godmothers (as I fondly call them), Mima and the rest of your family. The food was fantastic and your cake was delish too-sorry you couldn't enjoy little bean, we'll have to make for lost time when you sprout some teeth! Everything was so relaxed at the restaurant and the weather was gorgeous, so everyone could enjoy the deck and the pretty view.

Then we had everyone over at the house, we baked cookies and cupcakes with the cousins, played in the garden, picked bouquets of hydrangeas, watched tv and just had a great time together. We also made a stop over to Grandma and Grandpas.

Daddy and I both felt so blessed to have family celebrate this special day with you. It couldn't have been more perfect.

10 weeks 6 days old

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Kudos to 'the other half'

Thank God for my husband. I am now weathering a lovely cold while trying to prep for Charlie's baptism this weekend and juggle my fussy, colicky, pouty baby. Joe seemed to have read between the lines and heard the desperation in my voice because he took off Thursday and Friday to help me. Insert sigh here.

Frankly I have no idea how single parents to do this- single parenting that is. They are a higher caliber human being to which I am in awe of...

Charlie decided he didn't want to eat this morning. He had been eating less and less over the past few days so that, along with his constant crying from the reflux, prompted me to call the specialist and pediatrician this morning.

We are now on a cocktail of pepcid and prevacid, neocate and prune juice. I sure hope this helps my little boy. Fingers crossed that Charlie will be in a good mood for his baptism and party...

Friday, July 4, 2008

Our second month


Your second month here with Daddy and I has been quite a memorable one. We had some big "firsts" that I won't soon forget. You gave us your first big smile (Daddy first, then me) and coos, they were absolutely amazing. It was as though one day you just woke up and decided that you were going to try and teach us your language.

You giggle now too and I savor those moments, because your poor sensitive tummy has been giving you a lot of troubles lately. We're hoping that the medicine and new formula will help you feel better soon and get the reflux under control. There have been days were you cried all day long and then I cried along with you. Not being able to do anything to soothe you (and feeling awful for you because of that) makes a mommy feel quite inadequate at times. I'm hoping and praying that we may be turning a corner.

Anyways, back to happier things. Your neck has become so much stronger and you hold that adorable head of yours taller so you can see more of the world. You absolutely adore looking at all the paintings we have on our walls and the black and white photos of our family that we have in your nursery. For the time being you seem to prefer those paintings (because at times I catch you smiling at them), but don't worry I won't tell the family ;o)

You grunt a lot! And you've started to suck on your fist and make the funniest slurping noises when you do.

Last weekend you had your first boat trip and you did so great. I think the gentle rocking helped you get a nice restful nap. We had to come back not because of you, but because we ran out of formula!

Back to those coos, when you get excited as we're having a conversation your breathing quickens and you sound like a little puppy. The other day I had you resting on my legs so we could have one of our 'talks', and something hilarious happened. I blew a raspberry and you were completely amazed. Your eyes nearly popped out of your head. I blew you another and another and you were enthralled. There I sat in our living room laughing like a fool while you tried to figure out how my lips could do that.

Well, my little bean, I almost feel as though you're growing too fast. Despite the fact that you are a whopping (ha- insert sarcasm) 10 lbs 10 oz, there are a bunch of clothes that you already are too big for. I feel as though I need to snap more pictures and capture more video of your little self.

It's crazy because time takes on a new meaning once you become a parent- you won't know this for a long time little man. In some ways there is no meaning; minutes can stretch out into an eternity and weeks can breeze by in the blink of an eye. I'm going to savor as much as I can.

Love Always,

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Looking forward to the bright side

So another tough week- Took Charlie to the gastroenterologist (went well and yesterday to the pediatrician for his 2 month checkup. Watching helplessly as my baby was given his vaccinations was awful-I started crying before they even pricked his little chunky leg.

He went from this blissful state of peace (that I so rarely see) to complete and utter shock and then he turned a nice shade of tomato. The doctor had to shake him to get him to breath-good times. His cry was one of those cries were no noise comes out, but his mouth is wide open and his eyes welling up, tell you everything. Wow, I had no idea how difficult it would be- perhaps I'm still hormonal.

In any event, my little boy is still not a happy camper, crying most of the day. BUT-dare I say-he does sleep well at night. I have total fear for actually reporting that, because at this point I'm so hypersensitive and superstititous that should I actually vocalize that point, he may regress in that department as well.

Gotta run for now, the baby is crying!

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