Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Mourning What Couldn't Be

Yesterday was a rough day. Charlie cried most of the day, it could have been the thrush but I suspect there was something in the takeout Joe brought home that upset him. Of course, the first meal I enjoy in months happens to make my baby colicky and fussy for hours.

This past week I've been coming to grips with the fact that breastfeeding is not working for me and Charlie. He takes to the formula better than my milk and he will only take a bottle, two blows that hurt more than I'd like to admit. Rejection from your own flesh and blood cuts a special type of wound into the heart.

It's heart wrenching when the dream you had can't be realized no matter how hard you try. Until recently I couldn't let go because it wanted to make it work so badly. I haven't been able to enjoy Charlie because my focus has been so intense.

I cried to Joe about how unfair it is. I can see how to someone looking from the outside in that this would seem almost ridiculous and the solution clear and easy. I know I'm being irrational and hormonal, but I can't help myself. I've wanted this to work out so desperately.

My husband, always supportive, reminded me that I have successfully breastfeed for nearly six weeks and that is a huge accomplishment in itself. All the money, effort and pain I have endured has not been in vain. I know I have had a rough path when the La Leche League Leader and lactation consultants have offered support for my grieving and point out that many would have given up weeks before.

I think back to when we were able to breastfeed and the closeness I felt with my son was so beautiful; to lose that is rough. I have never tried so hard in my life to make something work. I know I need to just pick up, let go and trudge forward. I have a beautiful healthy son and I’m incredibly blessed. Joe made a point the other night that resonated in my mind. He said Charlie is only going to be this small once and he didn't want me to miss out or not enjoy it to the fullest. So I've made the decision to wean (slowly). Letting go is the hardest thing to do!


Meegs said...

Aww Kelly, I'm so sorry you have to go through this... that it was so hard for you guys. But you did it for 6-weeks, which is nothing to scoff at... pushing through where others would have given up. Pat yourself on the back for that and know that you gave your son a great start at life! Now enjoy the rest of his babyhood.

Kelly said...

Thanks so much or your supportive words Megan, it has been rough. I'm trying to shift my focus- I have a beautiful baby and now I'll be able to enjoy him more.


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