Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Bath time is still our favorite!

Get a load of my bean's pruney toes!

Bath time ponderings...

Mesmerized by the water!

We love a clean bean!

Ahhhhh nice and cozy!

Monday, September 29, 2008

I think we're teething...

Charlie has two little bumps on the bottom portion of his gums. I'm wondering if this has something to do with the increased crankiness/crying/reflux symptoms. Life is tough when you're a baby!

In other news, we tried on the bean's Halloween costume early and I must share a picture because my computer is finally up and running, yeah!

Thursday, September 25, 2008


That's what my bathroom floor smells like. It seems as though whenever I feel like my life is spinning out of my control I am able to find a zen-like peace from cleaning.

With Charlie crying as much as he has lately I find myself scrubbing, spraying, dusting, disinfecting and scouring every surface I can get my hands on while he naps. I know I have a *special* type of OCD, one that requires the towels in my closet be color coordinated...but if that is something that offers me comfort and solace then I'm not afraid to admit it. Heck, there are worse disorders to have!

Excuse me while I go reorganize my linen closet for the fourth time...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Feeling like a frazzled failure

Charlie had an awful day today. He cried most of the morning, everything I tried to make him comfortable/wasn't working. We went to a playgroup with other Mommies and babies and he did ok-amazingly my son puts on a great game face. After that the day spun out of control.

He cried so much that once again he threw everything up, cereal, carrots, thickened formula. On the floor, on my bed, all over himself, all over myself, out his little nose. Then he was inconsolable for- well I'm not sure how long, but it was more than an hour-again nothing I did worked. He was shrieking. I'm sure the neighbors think I abuse my child. Finely he cried himself to sleep in my arms. Total exhaustion, on his part and mine.

He is with Daddy for the moment so I can take my shower for the day at 7:30 pm.

Today I feel like it would be better if I went back to work. Someone, anyone would be able to do a better job than I'm doing. It's days like today that I feel hopeless, trapped, lost, inadequate, ...and I don't understand why it has to be so hard. Why he has to hurt every single time he eats. Why he has to throw up non-stop all day.

I hate to admit it, but after hours of Charlie's crying I start to get numb. I hold him in my arms and try to comfort him, but I'm blank inside. I know God won't give me more than I can handle so I just have to hold on and pray he will get better.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Joe's Birthday

Yesterday was Joe's birthday and we had an eventful day. The bean was a bit on the cranky side and cried for several hours throughout the day. We did manage to go up and meet Joe for lunch and Charlie did good-yeah for no crying in a restaurant!

At dinner time we made this recipe- delish with grilled baby potatoes and sauteed zucchini. Charlie must have tuckered himself out because he slept through the whole dinner, or maybe that was his bday present for Daddy: a mini date with Mom.

The rest of the night went as usual- projectile vomiting followed by bath followed by a bottle and Joe doing laundry for all the clothes/stroller that were soaked with spit up. Then we sang some songs at bedtime. Notice how I incorporate the throwing up into my day- I get a gold star for that, eh?!

Spoke to the doctor about this recent flare-up and he wants us to thicken Charlie's formula more- we'll see how it goes...

Friday, September 19, 2008

Flare Up

Looks like we're hitting another low on the reflux roller-coaster since the past three nights the bean has been projectile vomiting and quite irritable (rightly so). I would be cranky too if I couldn't keep down my dinner and lunch...and breakfast for that matter. Hopefully, this one is short lived for Charlie's sake and Mommy's sake.

The past two nights, I've been reduced to tears after watching him in pain and not being able to comfort him. Thankfully, the storm has passed for this night... he is quietly sleeping, far away in his dreams.

I'm not sure when I'm going to be comfortable with him being in his own room- maybe when he's 12. After all, I still check on him throughout the night because he makes some scary reflux-related noises (gurgling and choking).

It's hilarious as I look back and remember when I was pregnant thinking to myself- oh yes and we'll have him in his own crib after a couple months -HA. If only I knew the draw of the bean...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Dear Little Bean

As I look over at you tonight, sleeping peacefully beside me I think of how lucky I am to be your Mommy.

Each morning you wake up with bright, wide eyes full of joy, excited to see what adventures the new day will bring. Everything is new, everything is amazing, everything is beautiful...in your eyes. And because of that my life is beautiful, amazing and new as well.

We may have our difficult times (tonight you threw up everything you ate again) but just the fact that you are able to move forward so quickly and 'walk through' each difficulty is such a testament to your incredible spirit. I'm sure you're going to face each challenge in your life with the same determination and resolution.

How fortunate I am to say that you are mine.

Monday, September 15, 2008

'Puter Malfunction...

Our home PC has been down (the video card literally exploded) for the past two weeks or so and I have not been able to upload any of the recent pictures of the bean to post here :o(

In other news, the bean had his most vocal day yet today, he was trying so hard to communicate with me and seemed to get frustrated- too bad Mommy doesn't speak 'baby.'

Although I got the message loud and clear after one of his louder cooing sessions was quickly followed by the sounds of a fully-loaded diaper. Luckily we were able to avert a full blowout- and that always makes for an exciting day ha, ha!

Friday, September 12, 2008


We had a rough day today. My poor bean was sooo grumpy that I remember looking at the clock at one point and realizing that only minutes had passed since I had last looked at it. Minutes that felt like hours-ouch.

The lack of sleep left me feeling frazzled, and trying to figure out what it was that was making Charlie so unhappy was draining. Then I thought back to the night before. I had given Charlie one of my last portions of frozen breastmilk (yes, I've been rationing that like a maniac all summer). The bit that I gave him happened to be from the day I 'gave up' and decided to start eating dairy products. I can't think of anything else, save a delayed reaction to vaccinations, that could have caused his restlessness and crying fits. (I was hanging onto this milk to see if Charlie had outgrown his milk intolerance.)

So that's it, I've decided to dump/ditch/trash the last of my milk supply. Not that it would have lasted much longer any way. It's time to finally let go; relinquish the link to Charlie that I clung so fiercely to. It doesn't define me as a mother, or lessen our bond...so in the garbage it goes.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Mommy Confession

I have to admit that since I had Charlie I have become more insecure than I ever have been in all my life. Now I definitely had my share of self-confidence issues in my past, but this is a whole new level. I'm not sure if it's because all the challenges we have faced so early on have played on my nerves, but I now have a tendency to second-guess myself on every choice I make for Charlie's welfare.

I worry that I'm giving Charlie too many medications at such a young age, that I'm not stimulating him enough, that I made the wrong choice about vaccinations, that I'm not devoting enough time to research alternative solutions to his reflux enough, that I'm not researching how to start healthy sleep habits, developmental stages, cultivating socialization skills and the list goes on and on!

Sometimes I wonder if it might be better for me to go back to work because maybe the trained professionals at daycare facilities can do a better job than I can and know better than I do. And then I look into his blue eyes, the color of stormy clouds, and I realize there is no where else I would rather be right now.

I will try to be the best mother that I can be every day, strive to do better which each new morning, thanking God that he has blessed me with another day to share with my bean. I guess that's what matters most.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Four Month Check-up

We had to postpone our fourth visit with the doctor because of Charlie's cold last week. So yesterday we made the trip over and here are the newest bean stats: 14 lbs 10 oz & 25 inches long

Charlie was in the 50th percentile for everything, making him perfectly average. Although, I think those weight/height growth charts are to be taken with a grain of salt because it's an imperfect system. As long as my bean is growing and thriving that's all that matters.

We have also been given the go ahead to move into solids (veggies and fruits after we try barley and mixed cereal). So I need to go buy beans for my bean!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Fill me up, hose me down

It was a sunny Friday afternoon and the bean had just fallen asleep for his lunchtime nap. I decided to make the most of the moment and run over to Trader Joe's to refill my freezer with yummy healthy pre-made dinners. We quickly went through the store without incident, Charlie was sleeping like an angel.

On the ride home I decided to fill up my gas tank, so I pulled over at a family owned gas station. The bean should have stayed asleep for at least another half hour. I start filling up and remember that this particular station doesn't have the credit card readers, you actually have to walk in to pay. Luckily after walking over to check on Charlie the nice employee notices and says he will bring out my receipt to sign off.

This is when things start to spin out of control. Charlie wakes up rip-roaring angry and starts to wail. I hear the gas pump click that I have a full tank so I kiss the bean tell him I'll be right back close the door and walk quickly over to the tank. I hear Charlie screaming from inside the car and since I'm only paying attention to him as I pull the nozzle out of my car it promptly sprays gasoline all over me , my car, the ground. One of the gas station employees is so kind as to let me try and wash up a bit in the back while he has someone else watch my car.

...Get back in the car and Charlie is now howling, red as a tomato. Since we are only a couple minutes from the house I decide to make a break for it and plan to calm the fiery bean once safe inside home. I try to pull into my driveway quickly and the garbage cans are toppled over on the ground in my way. By the time I get Charlie into the house I think he's going to blow a gasket.

The smell of gasoline is so strong that I have to strip out of my clothes right away. So there I was at about 3 pm feeding the bean in my underwear- the joy of motherhood :o)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Our Fourth Month

My sweet little bean,
This past month has been filled with many firsts, little man. You attended your first birthday party for several of your cousins. We had our first family vacation together. You also participated in your first lobster bake on one of the islands on Long Island Sound. You were quite the partier and had a full social calendar ;o)
Your tummy has had it's ups and downs this past month, but I think *fingers crossed; wood knocked* overall it's improving. You also have had your first cold, which has been not so much fun and has exacerbated your reflux. But one of my new Mommy friends noted, there is a bright side, you're stronger for having fought through it.

You've grown and changed so much more in one month that it staggers me in some ways. I was afraid to stop swaddling you, but when you grew too long and large for your heaven-sent Halo sleep sack swaddler, there really wasn't another choice. So I held my breath... and you did perfectly.

You love to look at yourself and flirt with me in the mirror, making it convenient for Mom when she needs to get her makeup done and your in the bjorn! Your talking to me more in your own little language, there are times when you mimic the sounds I make. When you're not 'talking' you are enthusiastically shoving your fingers in your mouth ;o)

You've discovered that you have *gasp* feet and love to grab onto those tiny toes to make sure they are still there. Another discovery-that there is a small, furry creature that lives with us, your big brother Malcolm!

Your aunt lent us an exersaucer (thanks Kris!) and an amazing thing happened the other day. I had shown you how to spin some of the toys before, but low and behold, you reached out and started to play all on your own. Now you're spinning around in it like crazy trying everything out. I nearly burst with pride when I saw you playing with that little toy, Mommy's little genius ha, ha!

One of my favorite things that you do now is kiss me. Well, this is how it usually goes: I will kiss you on your cheeks and chin (smooching noises included) and you open your mouth huge and slobber all over me with your tongue. It's hilarious and messy, but I feel like the luckiest girl in the world when you're showering me with Charlie-kisses.

When I was rocking you to sleep the other night looking down at your little angel face, I remembered putting your room together with Daddy months ago. Back then, I would walk into your room occasionally, look around and I couldn't imagine what it would be like with you in it. Now, little bean, I find it impossible to piece together how I stumbled along so long without you.

Thank you for bringing joy to my life every day little boy.
Love, Mama

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Finding Gratitude

I've noticed the past few posts I've made have been in less than positive, so I realize I need to take a step back and be thankful for all the gifts God has blessed me with.

I have a wonderful husband that is devoted and head over heels for our sweet little boy. I was just thinking today that I have smiled and laughed more in the past month than ever before in my life. And it's all because of Charlie. I'll save all the fun details for the four month update...

We have a safe home that's filled with comfort and love. We have good health that allows us to enjoy life to the fullest. We have beautiful family and friends that are always there for us.

What more could I ask for? :o)

Monday, September 1, 2008


After a good day we had a baaaad night. I sound like a broken record, but here goes...Poor Charlie, still getting over his cold and also having other tummy issues, worked himself up so much that he threw up everything in his belly and then was inconsolable for an hour. I finally was able to get him to rest by swaying, shaking, shushing and trying to feed him a bottle-all simultaneously. I often wonder how big the bean would be if he could keep half of what he ate down.

Tomorrow we're supposed to go for his fourth month doctor appointment (read immunizations and weighing) but since he is still not feeling up to par I'm going to have to postpone it.

I can't believe it's already September, where did the summer go? I'm looking forward to fall and Charlie's first holiday season, but I wish the sun would stay out just a little bit longer at night. It would be nice to continue our evening walks for as long as the weather allows.

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