Monday, February 28, 2011

In need of a turnaround

This morning I went in for monotoring with my doctor to see how I was progressing.  Unfortunately despite being on the highest dosage of meds I did not have a good response.  Only 5 follicles (2 of which are close to mature) in one ovary and nothing from the other.

I sit here waiting to hear back from my doctor just feeling so weary.  I have had a headache since Friday because of the hormones I am injecting twice a day.  I just don't understand why. Why I can't even go to the doctor without worrying whats going wrong now, why this has to be just so hard, what am I supposed to be learning from this?

Joe said to me this morning as I cried quietly, 'maybe God just doesn't want us to have any more children.'  He told me that he wants a six month break if this does not work out.  I understand where he is coming from and why he is saying what he is but I still just don't understand God's hand in all of this.

I feel like I am up to my neck and floundering in the water.  Joe is sick, he is having another Lyme relapse, he is moody and sad and dizzy.  Charlie is back to waking in the middle of the night and is going through this difficult whining/testing boundaries phase. Joe's Mom who is bed ridden with severe MS is getting so sick she can't even swallow water.  And we have this infertility minefield I am trying to navigate through. 

I know God won't give us more than we can handle but I'm just praying for a break from all of this hardship, pain and sadness.  I need something to turn around for us.  I need God to work miracles in my life and Joe's.  I need him now more than ever.

Today when I prayed I tried to remember every blessing he has given me.  I guess I need to focus on that a bit more today.

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Last week I took my IVF class that taught me how to mix my meds for 'cocktail injections,' and other basic information about the IVF cycle.  After the class I had to have an ultrasound to make sure my uterus didn't have an fibroids or polyps so that we could move forward.  All went well with the exception of my doc finally confirming that I am in the beginning stages of endometriosis.  It explains all the pain I have had so at least I was able to make sense of that.

Thursday I went in for what is called a supression check.  The doctors are looking to make sure that you have no follicles (eggs) that are maturing and your hormone levels are in the right range to start a cycle.  I received a call in the afternoon that my bloodwork was a bit off so they wanted me to come in and retest in the morning.

Yesterday I went in and my doctor was not looking optimistic after seeing a follicle on my ultrasound and reviewing my bloodwork.  He said my estrogen levels had to go down into order to proceed, if they did not we would have to cancel the cycle before it even started.  He didn't want to talk about next steps with me until he saw the bloodwork results and he was very clear that he only wanted the optimal conditions to start.

I walked out thinking we were going to have to rule out this whole month.  I cried to myself on the ride home to Joe and Charlie because this process has been wrought with so many disappointments and obstacles that I just assumed it wasn't going to work out.  I cried some more on my husband's chest and Charlie was right there hugging me saying "Mommy you're all better now," after he kissed me. 

I was blessed to be able to get out of the house and spend some time with a beautiful friend of mine and just forget about it all for a little while.  But as soon as I got home and put Charlie down for a nap it hit me like a wall again.

I knew my doctor would call in the afternoon to discuss the results so it was just a matter of time.  So in my moment of quiet I went into our bedroom and knelt on the floor and prayed.  I thanked God for the countless blessings he showers over me each day.  And then I just confessed to him that this is so difficult, I just broke down crying.  Just as I was crying to him my phone rang.  It was my nurse and she said she had good news, my hormone levels are back in the right range and we can proceed.  We are still on schedule. 

I hung up the phone and nearly collapsed on the floor.  God is so gracious and faithful that I just don't even feel worthy of it at times.  It is so humbling to cry to him with a heavy heart and for God to literally reach out and answer immediately.  The fact that he cares enough for me in my situation is incredible.  

I cried for probably a bit too long and reached out to my friend to let her know what happened.  I felt the need to share with her (and my family) the proof of his intimate presence in my life.  And she told me that she had been praying right at time time when my nurse called and just said ,"Lord just give her a good call," and then she felt peace after praying. 

It's so comforting to know that though I am going through a time of uncertainty God is walking right beside and loves me so deeply he will carry me if I can't walk myself. To Him be all glory, honor and praise.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Messages from above

Very recently Joe and I decided to wade into unknown waters and pursue an IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycle. This whole infertility process has brought out a lot of pain and sadness and has felt like it has pushed at my faith at times.  But He has been there and is there every step of the way.

The other day I was finishing up my bible study I folded the book on a page where I had a highlighted one line: Suffering is a means to deeper communion with God. I know he is drawing me nearer in this process,  I feel his presence.

Then in my bible group the beautiful circle of woman I study with asked if they could pray over me.  I felt so blessed.

I had an incredible experience this morning.  Last night a dear friend of mine called me to invite me to go to her church to hear a guest speaker.  Right before she had called I had been praying and reflecting on how I hadn't felt like I had done much to be close with him yesterday.  I felt God was sending me a message through my friend to go see this speaker.

Joe and Charlie and I piled up into the car this morning and sat with our friends right near the front of the church.   We sang some beautiful hymns and prayers.  And the the guest speaker walked up to the podium.  And what did the he speak about the whole time?

He started with the story of Abraham and Sarah and how they wanted so badly to have a child but couldn't.  And God came to them at the old age of 90 and 100 and told them they would have a baby.  He actually talked about infertility (!) and how at times our dreams may seem like they are impossible to fulfill but that through God everything is possible.

His message was one of waiting on God's timing and having faith that God is not finished with us, not even on our last day here.  I sat there in the pew crying quietly because I literally felt like God was reaching out to me through this man.  My dear friend turned to me in the midst of this and whispered "there are no coincidences," and she is so right.

I feel so humbled that my Lord and savior is such a personal God that he would reach out to me in such an intimate way.  So gentle, so loving, so compassionate.  There are people out there suffering far greater tragedies than I and yet he cares enough to touch my life in such a profound, beautiful way.

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