Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The empty room

There is another 'presence' in our house. It isn't just Joe, Charlie, Owen and I anymore.

We have an extra bedroom that has acted as a sort of staging area/storage room since we moved in last summer.

The room is large, larger than our master bedroom actually and because of it's identity crisis I have not spent much quality time in that room 'getting to know it better' if you would. I have a belief that when you move into a house you should take a little time to get to know one another before making major changes or tearing down walls.

Several weeks ago in an attempt to simplify and declutter I had a tag sale. Now that room is practically empty with the exception of a couple dusty boxes of books and a few pieces of my corporate work wardrobe.

Joe and I decided to that in spite of our fear of having another baby with reflux/colic and possible sleep, eating and anxiety issues, our desire to have another child is much deeper. We want Charlie to have a sister or brother to grow up with. The halls of this house should be filled with more sounds of laughter and love. Honestly it feels a little lonely in here right now.

We have been trying to get pregnant for several months without luck. Recently I went to the doctor about a problem with my cycles and am now on a corrective medication which will hopefully help us.

In the mean time I feel as if that room is quietly waiting, almost holding it's breath in anticipation of what might be. Each time I pass it and see the way the sun is playing on the bare wood floors I wonder how long it will be before I will spend time kneeling on them with a little one beside me.

I dream about how that room will look, but even in my mind's eye the pictures are a little fuzzy. I can picture a little reading nook with a bench beside one of the windows but I can't envision much else. Maybe it's because I have so many fears and hopes wrapped up in those walls that nothing else can fit in there right now.

I pray that my dream is in line with God's plan and that we can find purpose for that quiet room soon.

Thanks for sticking with me!

It's been a tough month with the loss of Marshall and Joe battling another illness but we are looking up.
Sorry for the silence, I needed some time to reflect and heal.
Thank you for your kind thoughts and words!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Radio Silence

A week and a half ago I got a call, one of those calls that shakes your world and in not a good way. Our cousin and beloved friend Marshall was taken to the hospital by ambulance on Friday, July 23rd and there were barely any details of what had happened.

Later that day we found out that Marshall had a massive stroke, one that he would not recover from. He had serious bleeding in his brain and it was inoperable. The family was told he would probably die within a day.

The next day was my sister in-law's bridal shower. As I was busy cutting up roses and putting them into vases for table arrangements Joe called again. This time it was to tell me that Marshall was gone.

It was so incredibly difficult to say goodbye. Marshall was an incredible man, he loved life, loved to laugh and joke and he loved his family deeply.

It came as such a shock when Joe and I had just had Marshall over for dinner on Wednesday night. His request was spaghetti and meatballs. He brought us his favorite bread and we had one of the nicest times together we've ever had talking and laughing about our lives.

Marshall had a very difficult life. One of his first two children (twins) was born stillborn and the other was severely disabled. Then his wife died of breast cancer when their other children were still very young. Despite his past and what he had been through, Marshall found joy in every day.

Marsh practically lived at our new-old house for the first year we lived here. He was an expert plumber and helped us in so many ways. He single-handedly completed the massive amount of work in our double bathroom renovation upstairs. It was so wonderful to have him around as much as he was because he loved Charlie so much. He was a comfort to me. My heart aches now that he is gone, but a beautiful miraculous thing happened to me the Friday night that Marsh was in the hospital. He was on a respirator at this point, holding on until one of his daughters flew in from California to see him.

It was a restless, nearly sleepless night for me. Charlie had already woken up once and I laid in bed thinking about Marshall and praying for him. Then Charlie woke again, around a quarter of 3 o'clock. Instead of trying to get him to settle in his bed I just scooped him up and brought him into our bedroom. He fell back asleep almost instantly, but I continued to lay there thinking about Marsh.

Then at 3:19 am, as I had my head tilted towards Charlie I felt a hand gently laid on my head. The pressure was so light, but it pressed my hair closer to my skin and it was very obvious I was being touched. I turned to look and saw nothing, no one was there, but I just knew in my heart it was Marshall. I even said out loud as it happened, "Someone just touched me on my head." I turned my head to look to Charlie and there he was in his sleep slapping his hands over his head as if someone were touching him. Marsh used to rustle Charlie's hair sometimes when he came to see us. I just knew it was him.

Then I found out from my sister in-law that Marsh had made a visit to her house around 3am that night too. She heard footsteps and like someone had stomped in front of her bedroom door. Her dogs were staring at the hallway as if there was someone there.

Honestly, I feel so blessed and comforted by Marshall's 'visit' because his death was so sudden. I know I will see him again someday and God was compassionate enough to allow us that last goodbye until we meet in heaven.

I'm going to follow up this post with another post about Marshall, things I want to remember always about him so I can share them with Charlie and let him know how much he was loved by Marsh. I know we have another guardian angel watching over our family now.


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