Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Master Bedroom

While I'm at it I might as well, right?

To dos for this room are artwork,
area rug for around the bed,
pottery barn matine toile quilt
and crown molding some day.
Joe finished this tag sale book case with crown and a beautiful stain.
Tag sale Ethan Allen seagrass chair
A work in progress!

Charlie's Room

Here's a look at the bean's room as it is today:
To dos are to get a bible verse up on the wall above C's crib and slipcover the glider myself.
Yes the train table takes up half of the room but he loves it (as you can see)

Click here to see how it looked soon after we moved (and ripped up the mint carpet, refinished the floors and put up beadboard)- not too much has changed.  I have tried to keep this room true to Charlie (hence the huge train table, books everywhere and tag sale school house that is really big but he loves it).

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Leaning on Him

That's what I am doing today after finding out we are not pregnant.  Heartbroken. 

Our insurance does not cover any of these treatments and so I researched individual insurance and discovered yet another door closed in my face today.  There is not one insurance company that will cover any portion of fertility treatment for an individual.

Part of me wants to ask him, What am I doing wrong, what is broken inside of me that needs to be fixed in order to make this happen, will this ever happen, will I ever be able to hold a newborn in all of her perfection and say she is mine?  Will Charlie ever be able to know the joy of having a sibling,  am I unfit?  Am I incapable, am I not faithful enough, what is your plan for me? Should I just let go of this desperate aching desire in my heart?  Please just tell me if I need to move on.

I know he counts the tears we weep.  This is what I am leaning on today.

“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:2-4,6-9

“The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say, ‘Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.’” Isaiah 25:8,9

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The first half of January

We started with a similar course of treatment as last month (femara 5 mg for days 3-7 and then injected with gonal for 3 days) and I went in on day ten to have my ultrasound.  My doctor said I had a great response, almost too good.  He scared me a bit with the way he grappled with whether to cancel the cycle or to go ahead with our IUI plan. 

What a rollercoaster to worry that since I had 5 mature follicles and 1 slightly mature that there was an increased risk of multiples.  Thinking of Charlie how this could all impact him, how it would be very hard on me and on Joe as well just made me worry.  But if we canceled the cycle we would lose another $2,500 and we are just bleeding money with these treatments every month.

After talking to Joe we decided to go forward (which my Dr. and nurse had also recommended).  I realized that I had 4 mature follicles from my last failed cycle so that put me a little more at ease, but wow I still felt the pressure. What a mental sturggle this process is.  There truly is an emotional and physical expense to be paid each month as well.

Last weekend was such a crazy and strange time.  Joe and I had to go to the office for our separate parts of the IUI procedure.  The procedure itself was pretty uneventful with the exception of having a doctor that was far too attractive for my comfort level, ha.

And now I sit here and wait; wait and think far too often about what could or couldn't be.  Every day my mind wonders is this the month that God has chosen for us to get pregnant?  Or is it not the time he has chosen?  My fears have also been taking over- what if there are triplets- how would I ever be able to take care of that many children, how would Charlie feel that he is loved, what if there were twins (insert same questions and concerns).

I had my bible study this morning and the memory verse was so timely for me: Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

Yesterday the little children's devotional I had bought for Charlie for Christmas had a similar verse from Phillipians and the whole little story was about putting your trust in God and not worrying.  I can feel him drawing me nearer.

I can feel his gentle tenderness around me right now.  I can feel him whisper to me softly, "Listen my child, I will take care of you.  I know your heart's desire.  Do not worry, do not be afraid, have peace and trust in Me."   Why is it so hard to do just that?  After bible study, Charlie and I had lunch and then I put him down for a nap. 

I spent an hour going through the bible, pouring over each verse that referred to trusting in him.  I felt the need to write out as many as I could, those that touched me the deepest.  And then I stuck some up on mirrors ad doors so my eye would be drawn to them and read them again and again.  Because I need to be reminded.

Then I went to the bedroom and got on my knees and prayed to him and wept.  Thanking him for my blessings, asking him for forgiveness for continuing to hold onto this worry and asking him to please help me through this time because I cannot get through it without him.  This is so difficult.  I feel like I am out there hanging in limbo for the next week and a half, not lost but filled with uncertainty. 

I know this particular journey is one where he is refining me and bringing me closer to him.  I know because for the next two weeks I have to walk blindly in faith with him guiding me through the darkness.  There is no other choice, I just have to have hope.

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