Thursday, September 11, 2008

Mommy Confession

I have to admit that since I had Charlie I have become more insecure than I ever have been in all my life. Now I definitely had my share of self-confidence issues in my past, but this is a whole new level. I'm not sure if it's because all the challenges we have faced so early on have played on my nerves, but I now have a tendency to second-guess myself on every choice I make for Charlie's welfare.

I worry that I'm giving Charlie too many medications at such a young age, that I'm not stimulating him enough, that I made the wrong choice about vaccinations, that I'm not devoting enough time to research alternative solutions to his reflux enough, that I'm not researching how to start healthy sleep habits, developmental stages, cultivating socialization skills and the list goes on and on!

Sometimes I wonder if it might be better for me to go back to work because maybe the trained professionals at daycare facilities can do a better job than I can and know better than I do. And then I look into his blue eyes, the color of stormy clouds, and I realize there is no where else I would rather be right now.

I will try to be the best mother that I can be every day, strive to do better which each new morning, thanking God that he has blessed me with another day to share with my bean. I guess that's what matters most.

3 comments:

Amandalyn717 said...

I have been following your blog for some time now. And I think you're doing a tremendous job with what you've been dealt. I hope and pray everyday to give you strentgh and peace. I know you are a good mother and doing what is right for your son. Who by the way is so beautiful!!!

Jen said...

kel,

the first kid is always gonna make you feel like you have no idea what you're doing. even though they write books about this stuff and what to expect, a lot of the time it doesn't help because it's not a manual that comes with your kid, it's just a list of suggestions.

do you think our parents knew what they were doing when they had us? ok, well, maybe more for me and your oldest sister and all the other first children out there. and even after you have another, it's still hard.

so what i'm trying to say is that you need to relax. i know you and you're doing the best thing you can for charlie, and that he's going to be fine. stop cluttering your mind with doubts and enjoy the time you have with him.

love, jen

Kelly said...

Amanda, thank you so much for your kind words and for your prayers, they mean so much. I'm lucky to have such a supportive reader!

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Jen, thank you too. You're completely right, it's trial by fire and you do the best you can with what you know. I miss you and your laughter and am so looking forward to seeing you soon.

 

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