Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Feeling like a frazzled failure

Charlie had an awful day today. He cried most of the morning, everything I tried to make him comfortable/wasn't working. We went to a playgroup with other Mommies and babies and he did ok-amazingly my son puts on a great game face. After that the day spun out of control.

He cried so much that once again he threw everything up, cereal, carrots, thickened formula. On the floor, on my bed, all over himself, all over myself, out his little nose. Then he was inconsolable for- well I'm not sure how long, but it was more than an hour-again nothing I did worked. He was shrieking. I'm sure the neighbors think I abuse my child. Finely he cried himself to sleep in my arms. Total exhaustion, on his part and mine.

He is with Daddy for the moment so I can take my shower for the day at 7:30 pm.

Today I feel like it would be better if I went back to work. Someone, anyone would be able to do a better job than I'm doing. It's days like today that I feel hopeless, trapped, lost, inadequate, ...and I don't understand why it has to be so hard. Why he has to hurt every single time he eats. Why he has to throw up non-stop all day.

I hate to admit it, but after hours of Charlie's crying I start to get numb. I hold him in my arms and try to comfort him, but I'm blank inside. I know God won't give me more than I can handle so I just have to hold on and pray he will get better.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry he's still having such a hard time! You're doing an excellent job, don't be discouraged! Take a moment and breathe then jump right back in, that's all you can do!

Danse said...


I'm so sorry that you're both having such a hard time. You're doing a wonderful job - this is hard. Don't beat yourself up.

K. said...

Oh Kelly, I am so sorry that you and little Charlie have to go through this. But just know--you are a wonderful mother, and Charlie knows you're doing all you can to help him. You are anything but inadequate--you would do anything for him, and you are doing the best you can. I wish there was something the dr.'s could do to help. :(

Olive said...

Oh Kelly, you are an extraordinary mother. A crappy mother wouldn't care so much that her child was in such distress nor would she take the time to comfort and love him as much as you do.

I admire your strength and fortitude more than you know.


Kelly said...

ladies your responses brought tears to my eyes, thank you, thank you, thank you. This has been a really difficult time but reading your thoughtful and reassuring words ives me comfort.

Girl said...

That must be really difficult... I am sorry you're having a rough go of it.


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