Saturday, June 7, 2008

Ready for the weekend

As I mentioned in my previous post this past week was a rough one. We had doctors appointments nearly every day, a surgery for Charlie, an ultrasound at the doctors for me, and then a traumatic time with two lovely lactation consultants trying to get Charlie to breastfeed on my sore chest.

We'll start with Charlie's surgery. The doctor was lovely despite waiting nearly an hour for him to see us. I had a mini breakdown after signing the release form and couldn't be in the room for the surgery so Joe held him and I got to her him screaming down the hall while a kind nurse handed me, the sobbing mess that I was, a cup of cold water to sip on. I still cringe thinking of my poor baby being in any pain. We tried to breastfeed several times on Wednesday with no luck.

Thursday I had an ultrasound and bloodwork appointment to confirm that I did not have any residual placenta in my utuerus (which can cause a poor milk supply). The ultrasound tech did not see anything so she snapped some shots and told me to go back up and wait for the doctor. An hour and a half later and several attempts on my part to politely find out when I would be seeing the doctor I still had not spoken to anyone with a white coat. It's not fun sitting in a patient waiting room with a newborn for an hour and a half. My son was lovely, he barely fussed at all, but I had to feed him, burp and tend to him all with an audience watching. When I needed to change him the receptionist told me she would give me the next patient room so I could do it quickly, yet she still called other patients back- ugh. I ended up leaving without speaking to a doctor (it was later ruled out that I'm all clear on this front).

Today was a really rough day for me. I went to my postpartum Mommy group at the hospital. A couple of the lactation consultants (who know my whole story) were going to help me try to get Charlie to breastfeed after the group meeting.

Everything they tried didn't work, poor Charlie got so upset he nearly threw up. It was just awful- the
whole hour of it. Part of me doesn't understand why this has to be so difficult for us and what is lacking
in me to make this not work. Everything I've tried has been met with an obstacle or set-back (apparently
now he has developed a bottle preference and I am still extremely sore from using the pump around the
clock). Who knew it would be so hard. Honestly, this has been the most difficult month of my life.

I cried to the lactation consultants when they tried to comfort me. I told them that I feel as though I can't even enjoy my son because of the work I am doing around the clock trying to make this happen.

I'm totally in love with Charlie but totally heartbroken that I can't do what is so natural for so
many other women. I haven't even been able to really enjoy my baby. I slap on a smiley face for when we
have visitors but still have that ache in my heart.

The other part of me knows perspective and thanks God that I just have a happy, healthy, beautiful baby and an amazing and supportive husband. I'm going to try and focus more on having the right perspective and having gratitude for my blessings.

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