Thursday, January 20, 2011

Leaning on Him

That's what I am doing today after finding out we are not pregnant.  Heartbroken. 

Our insurance does not cover any of these treatments and so I researched individual insurance and discovered yet another door closed in my face today.  There is not one insurance company that will cover any portion of fertility treatment for an individual.

Part of me wants to ask him, What am I doing wrong, what is broken inside of me that needs to be fixed in order to make this happen, will this ever happen, will I ever be able to hold a newborn in all of her perfection and say she is mine?  Will Charlie ever be able to know the joy of having a sibling,  am I unfit?  Am I incapable, am I not faithful enough, what is your plan for me? Should I just let go of this desperate aching desire in my heart?  Please just tell me if I need to move on.

I know he counts the tears we weep.  This is what I am leaning on today.

“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:2-4,6-9

“The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say, ‘Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.’” Isaiah 25:8,9

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

2 comments:

My life said...

*Long time reader, not sure if I've ever commented.

One of my friends was struggling with infertility after the loss of her babies. She wrote a post about surrendering it to God. It was pretty powerful, and once she gave it up she was able to conceive on her own. I personally don't struggle with infertility so I'm usually very hesitant to ever speak on the matter. But I just thought I would share this with you in knowing that your not alone in feeling the way you do. I will certainly keep you in my prayers. I am learning more and more that God doesn't always do the things we pray for the way we pray for them. Sometimes it's different and even better than we ever expected.

Here is a link to that post

http://laurensblog.greenfamily.net/2010/08/surrender.html

If you read forward you will see how it all unfolds.

Anyways I hope this helps, and not hurts. I never want to make someone feel bad, which is why I usually don't comment.

joe said...

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me and to share with me your friend's story.

Sometimes when you are deeply entrenched in your own pain it's difficult to see past that. But you are right, God answers our prayers and does it in ways we can't even envision because he knows us (and our needs) better than we know ourselves.

I'm trying to focus on my blessings today; God has blessed me abundantly. I Have to have faith in his timing and lift this burden up to him so he can make something beautiful out of it.

Thank you again.

 

The Little Bean Blog | Creative Commons Attribution- Noncommercial License | Dandy Dandilion Designed by Simply Fabulous Blogger Templates