Saturday, December 4, 2010

Taking a break

This blog is turning more into a monthly update than a daily chronicling of my life. I think it's just where I am right now mentally, emotionally.

Our first month of working with a specialist and using oral and injectable drugs, lots of bloodwork, ultrasounds, and yet another failure. I was supposed to have a pregnancy test yesterday. I got my period on Tuesday- here I go with TMI, but my cycles continue to shorten in length and it just concerns me that I wouldn't even be able to support a pregnancy should in the off chance that actually might happen. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor on the results of the latest bloodwork.

I decided to take a break from trying to conceive for the month of December. Truly I had no idea how difficult a journey this was going to be when Joe and I embarked on this many months ago. And when we had professional interventive help where I was being monitored on sometimes, a daily basis, I had no idea the level of stress it would burden me with.

Every month I run the gamut of emotions. It truly is a rollercoaster where I soar to the highest hopes and then crash and I contemplate if God even thinks me capable of mothering another child.

With the regular stresses that accompany the holidays I just decided I couldn't do it. The hormones that I inject myself with have affected my moods more than I would like to admit.

I have chosen to take this time to focus on myself more and try to become a more gentle, patient and loving mother to my son.

It is not easy when I literally ache to be pregnant and see so many friends with their beautiful families and so many others pregnant. I know God has his own perfect timing and his own perfect plan so I need to find peace in that.

I'll close this post with something a little more positive. Charlie's imagination is so incredible to watch at work right now. The other day he put on a pretend helmet and gloves when he was working with his digger. He also started using the oven in his pretend kitchen and baked a 'turkey pie' and spicy cookies for me. It was so adorable how he put the pan filled with fake food into the oven, turned the knobs and then took it out declaring it was very, very hot.

And his questioning is taking on a whole new level. He wants to understand everything, and often when we are in the car one question will lead to a thousand other ones. His favorite question used to be " What is x doing?" as in what is the truck doing and so on. Now he asks, "Mommy what is this song about, or what is that story about?" Truly children are little miracles.


Anonymous said...

Understandably, I hope you know that I'm thinking about you. I've always enjoyed sharing our paths as moms to the awesome boys we have in our lives. My son is about 6 months older than Charlie. I pray that you'll find comfort in HIS arms and that until then that you'll be sustained in the in love as well as the beautiful bright eyes of your Charlie. God Bless.
~ Kim

sandy02 said...

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. :0( I know the feeling and it isn't a good one. It took over a year and fertility meds to get pregnant with both boys and it was emotionally exhausting. You're time will come, you are an AMAZING mother, and I truly mean it. I hope this month off brings wonderful things to you and your family.

Danse said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Kelly. If you ever want to talk, I'm here (and trying to figure out how to send you my email addy without posting it publicly on your blog). (Big hugs)


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