Charlie's Room

Here's a look at the bean's room as it is today:

To dos are to get a bible verse up on the wall above C's crib and slipcover the glider myself.

Yes the train table takes up half of the room but he loves it (as you can see)

Click here to see how it looked soon after we moved (and ripped up the mint carpet, refinished the floors and put up beadboard)- not too much has changed.  I have tried to keep this room true to Charlie (hence the huge train table, books everywhere and tag sale school house that is really big but he loves it).

Leaning on Him

That's what I am doing today after finding out we are not pregnant.  Heartbroken. 

Our insurance does not cover any of these treatments and so I researched individual insurance and discovered yet another door closed in my face today.  There is not one insurance company that will cover any portion of fertility treatment for an individual.

Part of me wants to ask him, What am I doing wrong, what is broken inside of me that needs to be fixed in order to make this happen, will this ever happen, will I ever be able to hold a newborn in all of her perfection and say she is mine?  Will Charlie ever be able to know the joy of having a sibling,  am I unfit?  Am I incapable, am I not faithful enough, what is your plan for me? Should I just let go of this desperate aching desire in my heart?  Please just tell me if I need to move on.

I know he counts the tears we weep.  This is what I am leaning on today.

“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:2-4,6-9

“The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say, ‘Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.’” Isaiah 25:8,9

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

The first half of January

We started with a similar course of treatment as last month (femara 5 mg for days 3-7 and then injected with gonal for 3 days) and I went in on day ten to have my ultrasound.  My doctor said I had a great response, almost too good.  He scared me a bit with the way he grappled with whether to cancel the cycle or to go ahead with our IUI plan. 

What a rollercoaster to worry that since I had 5 mature follicles and 1 slightly mature that there was an increased risk of multiples.  Thinking of Charlie how this could all impact him, how it would be very hard on me and on Joe as well just made me worry.  But if we canceled the cycle we would lose another $2,500 and we are just bleeding money with these treatments every month.

After talking to Joe we decided to go forward (which my Dr. and nurse had also recommended).  I realized that I had 4 mature follicles from my last failed cycle so that put me a little more at ease, but wow I still felt the pressure. What a mental sturggle this process is.  There truly is an emotional and physical expense to be paid each month as well.

Last weekend was such a crazy and strange time.  Joe and I had to go to the office for our separate parts of the IUI procedure.  The procedure itself was pretty uneventful with the exception of having a doctor that was far too attractive for my comfort level, ha.

And now I sit here and wait; wait and think far too often about what could or couldn't be.  Every day my mind wonders is this the month that God has chosen for us to get pregnant?  Or is it not the time he has chosen?  My fears have also been taking over- what if there are triplets- how would I ever be able to take care of that many children, how would Charlie feel that he is loved, what if there were twins (insert same questions and concerns).

I had my bible study this morning and the memory verse was so timely for me: Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

Yesterday the little children's devotional I had bought for Charlie for Christmas had a similar verse from Phillipians and the whole little story was about putting your trust in God and not worrying.  I can feel him drawing me nearer.

I can feel his gentle tenderness around me right now.  I can feel him whisper to me softly, "Listen my child, I will take care of you.  I know your heart's desire.  Do not worry, do not be afraid, have peace and trust in Me."   Why is it so hard to do just that?  After bible study, Charlie and I had lunch and then I put him down for a nap. 

I spent an hour going through the bible, pouring over each verse that referred to trusting in him.  I felt the need to write out as many as I could, those that touched me the deepest.  And then I stuck some up on mirrors ad doors so my eye would be drawn to them and read them again and again.  Because I need to be reminded.

Then I went to the bedroom and got on my knees and prayed to him and wept.  Thanking him for my blessings, asking him for forgiveness for continuing to hold onto this worry and asking him to please help me through this time because I cannot get through it without him.  This is so difficult.  I feel like I am out there hanging in limbo for the next week and a half, not lost but filled with uncertainty. 

I know this particular journey is one where he is refining me and bringing me closer to him.  I know because for the next two weeks I have to walk blindly in faith with him guiding me through the darkness.  There is no other choice, I just have to have hope.

A Month in Pictures

Here is what we've been up to for the month of December.

Baking cookies

 Cuddling with Daddy on chilly nights

 Chatting it up with Santa (don't mind the not so friendly elf)

 Building and decorating gingerbread houses (thank you Ikea for a $4 set)

 Visiting the big, big city (so bummed the beans eyes were closed in this shot)

 Baking more cookies! for parties, teachers, friends, mailmen and garbage men

 Dining with our closest moose friends

 Erecting a chicken coop worthy of it's name (Monticello) 

Kudos to the hubby on this masterpiece

 The girls (all six of them) seem to love it

 Mama was sewing up a storm (first projects since home ec) 

a construction blanket, pillow and toolbelt

 celebrating the birth of our savior

 opening presents

 loving our presents (score one for mama on this tag sale crane)

 Getting very excited for our first snowstorm

 Fixing up the house with our new tool belt

 Whoa! Snow!

 How do I get out there to play in it?!

 Providing Daddy with moral support

 Visiting the Museum of Natural History ( Dinosaurs and Butterflies!)

What a month!  We went through another rough patch with sleep issues in the first half of the month but right now for the past 5 days we have been sleeping through and doing wonderfully, no screaming/crying/etc.  Last night Charlie was blowing me kisses when I walked out of his room and then shouted to the wall "I love you Mommy", he melts my heart- I shouted it back to him.  I wish we could stop the ticking of the clock and just soak up the beauty of this time.  I know I will keep that and many other beautiful moments from this month locked away in my heart.

Looks like we'll be jumping back into the fertility treatments in the next week or so.  Any prayers you could offer up would be most appreciated and this is a costly process both emotionally and financially.

Wishing everyone a happy new year that is abundantly filled with God's blessings!

Taking a break

This blog is turning more into a monthly update than a daily chronicling of my life. I think it's just where I am right now mentally, emotionally.

Our first month of working with a specialist and using oral and injectable drugs, lots of bloodwork, ultrasounds, and yet another failure. I was supposed to have a pregnancy test yesterday. I got my period on Tuesday- here I go with TMI, but my cycles continue to shorten in length and it just concerns me that I wouldn't even be able to support a pregnancy should in the off chance that actually might happen. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor on the results of the latest bloodwork.

I decided to take a break from trying to conceive for the month of December. Truly I had no idea how difficult a journey this was going to be when Joe and I embarked on this many months ago. And when we had professional interventive help where I was being monitored on sometimes, a daily basis, I had no idea the level of stress it would burden me with.

Every month I run the gamut of emotions. It truly is a rollercoaster where I soar to the highest hopes and then crash and I contemplate if God even thinks me capable of mothering another child.

With the regular stresses that accompany the holidays I just decided I couldn't do it. The hormones that I inject myself with have affected my moods more than I would like to admit.

I have chosen to take this time to focus on myself more and try to become a more gentle, patient and loving mother to my son.

It is not easy when I literally ache to be pregnant and see so many friends with their beautiful families and so many others pregnant. I know God has his own perfect timing and his own perfect plan so I need to find peace in that.

I'll close this post with something a little more positive. Charlie's imagination is so incredible to watch at work right now. The other day he put on a pretend helmet and gloves when he was working with his digger. He also started using the oven in his pretend kitchen and baked a 'turkey pie' and spicy cookies for me. It was so adorable how he put the pan filled with fake food into the oven, turned the knobs and then took it out declaring it was very, very hot.

And his questioning is taking on a whole new level. He wants to understand everything, and often when we are in the car one question will lead to a thousand other ones. His favorite question used to be " What is x doing?" as in what is the truck doing and so on. Now he asks, "Mommy what is this song about, or what is that story about?" Truly children are little miracles.

Halloween..and other things

Our Halloween weekend extravaganza, was just that. We had three parties Fri-Sun and got our monies-worth out of that dragon costume! I was shocked by how much Charlie enjoyed it this year. He kept saying "Can we go to another house now?" This was after we had only planned on three houses. He had a blast!

In other news, we are moving along with a reproductive endocrinologist that we both really like. Joe and I have undergone lots of testing the past few weeks and, thank God, everything has come back positive. We have a follow up appointment this Friday to discuss starting our official plan so we'll see what that brings. I had to sign a release that says I am aware that there is a 30% chance of twins (and 10% risk of triplets) with the treatments we'll be undergoing. I'm leaving this one up in my maker's hands, he knows what I can handle and can't.

I'll leave you with some pictures from our weekend :o)

x-mas shot out-take

Between Apples and School

...This is what we've been up to.
We spent a beautiful Saturday in September at a friend's beach.

We went to the Big E (the biggest fair in the northeast) for the first time.
We saw tons of animals, ate fabulous food, saw the biggest pumpkin ever.

And we went on our first pony ride-thanks Trigger!

Last weekend we went to "touch a truck" and the fire department open house.
Charlie was in awe!

That's all for now :o)

Apple picking

Today we went apple picking with a bunch of friends, it was such a perfect autumn day. Charlie is getting over a mild cold and was in a much better mood, so he really enjoyed it. It's so hard when they are sick and miserable and can't sleep because they can't breath and you can't get out of the house- it drives Mommy crazy a little too!

I have been remiss about updating this blog and it's making Joe sad. He said this blog is something he wants to be able to look back through and read in the future, so here I am trying to be better and giving an update :o)

Charlie is constantly asking what everyone is doing right now, as in "Mommy doing?, Daddy doing?" He wants us to explain everything to him from the simplest to the most abstract, he truly is a little sponge right now. He's doing fantastic with putting together long sentences and he's enjoying singing songs more since now he is really remembering all the lyrics that go along.

He is even more independent wanting to do everything himself and prove what a big boy he is in all that he does.

On the baby front, there are no news except I have an appointment with a fertility specialist in a couple weeks and will hopefully get to the root of why my body is not cooperating right. I hope we will have a plan soon.

Around the house, we are having a patio and mini-deck put in which will be wonderful to use come the spring. Up until recently we had a door in the mudroom that didn't open to anything ala the Winchester House! Joe and I are also talking about the kitchen more, I'm really hoping we can get started on that project soon but I don't want to push him.

We are getting chickens, as in live, day-old baby chicks, this week. I'm looking forward to this new little adventure and I'm sure that Charlie is going to be enthralled because he loves animals so deeply. By the spring the little ladies will be ready to lay eggs (one a day) and I even researched and bought two girls that will lay blue or green eggs.

Finally, I have decided on a project for myself this year. I am going to try to write a novel. I used to write the summers away when I was a kid, lost in my own little made-up world. I love to read so much and lately I've been devouring several books a week. Then the thought just came to me, why not give it a try again and see where it takes you. So we will see...

The start of 'school'

I apologize for my absence in blogging (not there are many that read this blog these days) I have found it hard to come here and write about what is going on in my heart because I am trying to drag myself out of that 'woe is me' attitude. Each day I keep finding out about more and more friends that are pregnant and though I am so happy; blissful even for them, there is a small part of me that is feeling empty and sad just for myself.

I was hopeful that this month was going to work out and now it is definitely not looking good. So we are going to move onto the next step, seeing a specialist. By my research it's been about 5 months since I last ovulated.

On to a happier subject: My sweet big boy had his first day of nursery school at a local nature center here not 5 minutes from our house. He loved it, he got to pet a turtle last week and this week, a white dove named Paloma. Charlie adores all animals so this is quite the special treat for my bean. Charlie also started bible study again with me (he is in a seperate baby bible school) and he did amazingly.

He hasn't cried once at either school, he was a touch clingy on the first day, but he just amazes me. We've come so far since last year where every bible study I would pray fervently for him to enjoy himself and he would end up wailing for 2 hours.

Charlie's personlaity has just exploded in the past few months, his vocabulary and ability to speak in sentences and share his thoughts astounds me. His favorite thing to ask is "doing?" As in 'What are you doing there Mama?' We are still in love with diggers and trucks. He still has that gentle spirit and today I even noticed him cleaning up after himself totally unprompted when he was going to bring out more toys. He is my sunshine.

Vacation in RI, CT & NY

Round Two...

Port Jefferson Harbor August 2010

We just got back from a little family vacation which was wonderful and flew by all to quickly. Luckily I was able to capture some great shots so we can preserve those beautiful memories.

Unfortunately, my reproductive woes are continuing. I went in for bloodwork after the first round of meds and my doc called me while on vacation to tell me that I didn't even ovulate at all this cycle. What is going on with my body?

So she is doubling my dosage of the meds and hoping that will kick start my body to work the way it should. I had a peace pass over me after a beautiful bible study this week. A peace that reminded me that God has his own perfect plan that is better than anything I could ever envision. I'm holidng onto that and hopeful that maybe this is our month. We'll see...